INSIDES

My son, Dorian, was born on the 21st of February and I have been preoccupied with him and our sweet life. I am a mother of two, and with each new child a new dimension of motherhood transforms you. In this process, I had some deep thoughts about my healing process, both physical and mental. The process a woman goes through during pregnancy, labor and delivery is absolutely remarkable. The strength of the human body far exceeds the understanding of my mind. After Dorian was born, my retrospect gave me a perspective that I have always wanted but never attained until now. I can see my metamorphosis, and I can envision the transformation I have yet to experience. I just want to share with you some of the thoughts I have had during this time.

One day, in retrospect, all the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful. - Sigmund Freud

The physical

I have always wanted to naturally give birth to my babies, I have always believed that God made us capable. Women for decades have been through so much during pregnancy, labor, and delivery. Having a baby was so desirable, but it was almost a death sentence. It was so dangerous, but held with a level of prestige. With my first delivery, I had to be induced, and many things happened that negatively impacted the birthing experience. I was disappointed with the process but humbly, I was grateful for my experience compared to others.

This time around, I prayed so hard for my experience to be natural, and the way God intended it to be. With the pandemic, we were isolated at the hospital, and unable to have the people we wanted surround us. But, through all this, my experience was so intimate. It was only my husband and I facing it all together. We connected on a new level. It was such an experience. The trust, and confidence I gained in my body through the process has given me relief. It has made me realize how strong we are, and how much we take our bodies for granted. How much we go through and put ourselves through.

I created a being, a little human. A small half version of myself. In order to do that my body had to grow, adjust, feel pain, bleed, and heal from the inside out. In the beginning stages of pregnancy, you do not see the changes on the outside because it begins on the inside, the hormonal changes, the blood changes, the food cravings, the weight gain, the growth of a little baby, your hormone surges. Then it pops out, this beautiful belly that proves life. Then you begin to feel the movements, the hiccups, the pressure. It's all on the inside.

When the time is right, what is on the inside is ready to come to the outside. All of it. For it to come out there has to be a rupture, a breakage, a puncture. There has to be a break through. Whatever is being held inside, the pressure breaks out. This whole little human is just ready to enter into the big world. The body takes over, the process is messy, it's bloody, it makes you self aware. It also knows the threshold of tolerance. Your body knows how much is too much, how long is too long, when enough is enough. It gives you just enough time to catch your breath, and just long enough for you to stick to the process. The perfect balance.

We tend to ignore the signs of the body. When enough is enough. The problem we seem to have is the ability to wait for healing to be completed. It happens all the time. We get sick, the doctor prescribes medicine, we feel better and stop the meds, only to get even sicker later. We get injured and do not rest, take care of ourselves, or take the necessary actions to complete our healing. Like our poor pride will do it for us, protect us from the mess, the pain, and blood. We believe that the healing process is bad for us and shows that we are weak.

When I came home from the hospital, I felt fine, my mind was clear, my body seemed great. I started feeling guilty for not being active, as if taking time to sit still and relax was wrong. I wasn't allowing my body to heal. I almost injured myself, causing severe bleeding that would have made me go to the hospital. All because I didn't feel the healing, because I felt good. I have since gathered a better sense of self-worth. When you value something you make sure that it gets all the right things, treatment, the best of everything. That includes healing, patience, and self-care. I have to weed out the guilt and shame so that I can rest in peace and heal.

I couldn't heal because I kept pretending, I wasn't hurt. - Unknown

We need to take a new perspective on healing our self, and also understand that the healing starts from within. The physical, mental, spiritual, emotional. It all begins within. Anyone who has an attitude that shames people for taking self-care moments have selfish ambitions. It is not weak to take this time. In fact, in the end the ones who take this time becomes stronger than the others. Having the ability to take this time without feeling the shame and guilt from others is a form of setting boundaries, and self-care.

Take the time, heal yourself, care for yourself. Process the pain, the event, the injury, and heal. It will eventually show, and you will see your progress. When you do, it will be your achievement, your accomplishment. You will be stronger, better, and proud of the self-work you will accomplish. Do not let anyone take that away from you. Do not let people shame you for the care you show yourself. Whatever they pour out to you is what is in them. If they give you shame and try to make you feel guilty that is what they feel and need to unload it onto someone else. So do it, heal from the inside. Let your body heal, relax, rest.

Enter Gods Rest. xo Em